Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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