I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
