I just threw up on my dentist
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
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Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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