his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
