dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
