omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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