I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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