I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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