Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
