Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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