ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
