I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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