Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
