I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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