hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm going to jail i love you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
