1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
