You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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