Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
