i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
