The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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