Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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