If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
