so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
whose parrot is this?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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