Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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