I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
