I can tuck mytits in my pants
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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