the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just found a bag of teeth...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
