Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As shirtless as possible
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
