my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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