i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
