i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
