it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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