And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
