oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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