My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think I am morally bankrupt
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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