I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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