Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize