were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
