someone threw a dead crab at me
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
