You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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