I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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