you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
