I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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