Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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