What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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