my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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