Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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