i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
