Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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