honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
