mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
