Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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