I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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