I'm pants shitting drunk right now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
